During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
