This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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