my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
