I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
