I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize