I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
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