i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
