Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Randomize
