my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
