Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
