Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize