if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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