nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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