So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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