Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
