Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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