i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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