I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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