I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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