my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
