I hate all girls vehemently.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
