Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
