I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
