the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
