totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
