First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
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