Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
