I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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