I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
