just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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