he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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