My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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