I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
