There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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