The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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