I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
