I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
