You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
