Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Drunk is a universal language darling
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
