I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize