So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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