there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
