He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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