did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
