your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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