I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
