I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
