I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
