I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
