Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
