I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
