I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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