So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
