I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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