I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
