I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
